Do you argue, fight, disagree with your partner? No healthy relationship is free from these forms of communication. If you are in a relationship where there are no arguments, disagreements or fights then you must be in a relationship with yourself.
There are times when we may disagree with our partner as we all have our own set of beliefs and values. We may disagree over where to go for dinner, how many children we want, where to go on holidays, where to send our children to school, the list is endless.
Having discussions before marriage or at the beginning of a relationship about what you want and whether you are on the same page is vital for identifying your goals and aspirations. You would not want to be with someone and find out a few years down the track that they don’t want children.
Russell and I attended marriage preparation classes and we discussed a range of topics to identify what we wanted out of our relationship so that we could work together instead of against each other.
Russell and I fight, argue and disagree all the time. Sometimes I rant and scream like a woman possessed. A hormonal imbalance could be the cause for this. And sometimes when we are in these situations we separate soon after to think things over and come back to one another with a new perspective on what the other was trying to say in the first place.
Being able to articulate what we think and feel can be difficult for some. Do you find it difficult finding the right words to express how you feel? However you express yourself (respectfully) remember to take a step back, walk away and spend a few minutes thinking about what you have just said and heard.
More often than not what we say is not what we mean and there are underlying reasons behind what comes out of our mouths. It means having to read between the lines when you are having a conversation with your partner.
Their attitude and demeanour may have nothing to do with you but because you are the closest person to them you are going to bear the brunt of it. This is relatively normal behaviour and you must not take it personally. They are only projecting at you, not on you.
Back to what we do straight after a fight, disagreement or argument. Having calmed down, Russell has had time to analyse what I’ve said and I’ve had time to process what’s just happened and when I’m in the wrong I am very quick to apologise while feeling guilty for overreacting. My inability to deliver my wants and needs usually comes from sheer frustration.
I am very much in love, happy and extremely grateful for what we have. Sometimes things happen in life that upset me or make me mad and instead of using exercise as a way to vent that frustration, which is what Russell does, I have been using my words.
Words are never used to hurt or mame Russell. The frustration can come from situations that are out of my control such as health, finances or family relationships.
We argue, we fight but by the end of the night we’re alright.
Early in our relationship we made the rule that we would never carry an argument over into the next day. Should something happen late in the evening we would then stay up and sort it out before going to bed. There’s nothing worse than waking up the next morning full of resentment and anger towards your partner.
When you are talking to each other after having calmed down enough to work out the real issues remember to use “I” statements instead of attacking each other. Instead of saying “You make me feel so angry”, say “I am upset/sad/angry/annoyed when…………”. You are not attacking them but calling out their behaviour.
Behaviour can be changed with hard work. focus and determination. When people feel attacked they will retreat and put up a wall preventing you from getting to the root of the problem. You want to make sure they don’t feel as though the only way to break free from the discussion is to walk away.
Walking away can lead to more resentment and frustration as you are wanting to resolve the issues at hand and when one person walks away it can be very hard to continue the conversation on your own. Walking away is very different to taking time to process and think about has just happened as it relies on you to make a concerted effort to work through the problem at hand.
Walking away can mean that the person is no longer interested in talking about it and for them the subject is closed. Early in our relationship Russell would walk out of the house when we had begun to argue. He couldn’t deal with it at the time and needed time to process what had just happened.
I became so frustrated every time he did that. I wanted to sit down and work through the issue, he wanted to go for a drive to process it. He doesn’t run away any more, he takes a few moments to process what has happened and we come back together to work through it.
Our arguments, fights and disagreements are few and far between now and very rarely are they heated. When they are, we tend to peel back the layers to identify what the underlying issue is and once we have identified that we are then able to move forward to rectify it.
We would love to hear how you resolve disagreements, arguments or fights in your relationship by leaving a comment in the box below.